Hollowness and longing
sadness has gripped me tight
I'd fall asleep in despair
- but not tonight
I guess I've surrendered
guess I've given up the fight
I'm withering away
- but not tonight
My hands lifted to the sky
God fill me with your light
I'll bear all my burdens
- just not tonight
God please let me believe
that I can get it right
let me hold on to my life
- like you do tonight
ENi09
Du rörde vid mig en tidig måndag morgon
som en fjärils fladdrande vingar
du nuddade min hud och mina sinnen
i dagens första magiska timmar
Du rörde vid mig en sommarkväll
varsamt och mjukt som en källas klara vatten
genom dig svävade och flöt jag
förunderligt vidare in i den svala natten
Du rörde vid mig en vinterdag
som solens strålar på krispig snö
du värmde mig ända in i märgen
du kom med sommar och med tö
Du rörde vid mig om hösten
som lätta löv som faller till marken
du skalade fram min nakna själ
som trädets skatter gömda under barken
Du rörde vid mig en vårdag
som blommors bristande knoppar
jag öppnade mig för dig
genom våra sammansmälta kroppar
Du gav mig viljan och friden åter
du bjöd himlens nektar att få smaka
Du räddade mig från livets ensamhet
och jag går aldrig mer tillbaka
ENi09
Solens sköra små strålar
strävar försiktigt in genom fönstret
de når din hud
som glöder
nattens mörker flyktar ut ur rummet
kvar ligger du och sover
jag ser dig, jag rör dig, jag känner dig
i varje andetag, varje muskel och nerv
Hjärtat fyllt av solen
och värmen
kärleken till dig och tacksamhet
den oändliga tacksamheten
för dig, för mig, för allt som är vårt
stanna i detta ögonblick
min älskling
bli kvar i morgonens ljumma timma
i dåsig kärlek
i oändlighet
ENi-09
This is where all begins
and all ends
This is endlessness in person
this is freedom at its highest level
How can something be so full
and yet seem so empty?
This is nothing
yet everything
It makes you so small
It makes you the king of your world.
ENi06
I ett älskande grepp
håller jag om dina händer
smeker dem sakta
ett finger i sänder
Du famnar mig varligt
andas i mitt hår
lovar att stanna
år efter år
Jag vränger mig och vrider
kan ännu inte lita på
att du menar det du säger
att du älskar mig så
Men håll ut min älskade
håll fast mig hårt
visa att du stannar kvar
även fast det ibland är svårt
ENi08
My walk in the park with you
is over
a brief moment in life
has come and passed
With your fingerprints
still fresh on my body
I try to heal
but when my heart
is still inside you
it's not easy
My walk in the park with you
has ended
your presence
is fading slowly
and I'm getting colder
every day
My walk in the park with you
is over
our holding hands
have lost their grip
ENi08
I weep
in your presence
I weep
willing to surrender
I'm weak
under your hands
I'm weak
defenceless
and content
I'm small
beside you
I'm small
but so secure
I weep
in your presence
I weep
because I love you
so much
so intense
ENi08
You are
my well kept secret
the cross I bear
with pride
and shame
You are my anchor
sometimes pulling me under
sometimes
keeping me from drifting
too far
You are
my parallell universe
sometimes
a wonderful dreamworld
sometimes
a horrible twilight zone
You are
Love
sometimes suffocating me
sometimes the only thing
breathing life into me
ENi08
Jag längtar till den dagen
då klockorna stannat
och det är bara vågorna som slå
Då alla vägskäl är borta
och valet är enkelt
-det finns bara en väg att gå
Jag väntar på den dagen
då tystnaden sänkt sig
och insikterna blivit fler
När strävan äntligen är över
och det är okej att säga
-jag vill inget mer
Jag längtar till den dagen
då allt plötsligt blir stilla
då jag lever nu och här
När ron äntligen får fylla kroppen
då det går en rysning i mig
-för jag är nöjd med livet som det är.
ENi07
You left in anger
on an early Sunday morning
the sun struggling
over the rooftops
I was prepared and calm
but overwhelmed with anticipation
God how it will hurt
when the sun is up
when this shock has faded
Sun still struggling
I watched you through the window
agitated steps
straight back
-nothing gets to you.
You were walking fast
partly still angry
mostly just
glad to leave
ENi07
You put your hand on my shoulder
and I suddenly felt so calm
so safe and secure
like never before
You put your hand on my shoulder
and I suddenly felt
like I could never be lonely
again
like there's a secret bond between us
no matter how far apart
no matter how long the distance
You put your hand on my shoulder
and I suddenly felt that I'm
no longer out of place in this world
no longer an outsider
the black sheep
the odd man out
You put your hand on my shoulder
and I no longer need approval
reassurance
or green lights
I am no longer walking behind
beneath
but up front and above
You put your hand on my shoulder
and made me
complete
ENi08
Mitt i stadens brus och larm
går jag vilse gång på gång
irrande försöker jag hitta hem
men gatan är alltför lång
Jag står undrande här i vimlet
med människor stressar förbi
jag förundras av hetsen och farten
och all denna dis-harmoni
Men hemma i mörkret och tystnaden
i skogen där älgar och björnar gå
där får tankarna äntligen vila
dit där inga människor kan nå.
ENi07
You are my silver lining,
my escape from the real world
I am content
dreaming away with you
in our fantasy bubble
I need nothing more
You are my silver lining
you make everyday-life
seem less dull
less ordinary
You make my toes curl
and I expect nothing more
You are my silver lining
making days seem less grey
less endless
less hard and troublesome
and I want nothing more
You are my silver lining...
some day it will change
some day the real world
will
catch up
I will miss you deeply then
Silver Lining
but I will be ok.
ENi07
Please come crawling
I would very much enjoy
if you came crawling back to me now
with your knees bleeding
and that assuming look on your face
Oh please come crawling
please come asking for more
begging
wanting to have your dirty ways
with me
Oh how hilarious it would be
Please
come crawling
Gods have mercy on me
because I would enjoy it
all too much
to shut the door in your face
and let you know
-this bitch
doesn't give a shit
Come crawling...
oh how amusing it would be
ENi07
We pity ourselves
right in between
these wrecked cars
derailed trains and crashed planes
amongst these illnessess and deseases
hungry people
and dying children
in the middle of
addictions, homelessness
starvation
HIV
and violence
We pity ourselves
during hurricanes, tsunamis
floods and landslides
and terror attacks
Oh we pity ourselves
but for stiff real-estate prices
for not having long enough legs
shiny enough hair
even skin, acrylic nails, fast cars
and real cool clothes
We pity ourselves
for soar throaths, long hours
high taxes
gaining weight, boring jobs
and bills bills bills
And as if this ignorance
wasn't enough
we eat and smoke
and drink
ourselves to death
and pity ourselves for this too
The world is at war
and we are at risk
but the greatest risk we're under
we've brought upon ourselves
ENi07
You've got some nerve to be suggesting
that we would meet again
some nerve when you wanted out
when you wanted it to end
You've got some nerve to be thinking
that I still remember your name
some nerve to imagine
things could be the same
You've got some nerve to be assuming
that I'd still be standing here
some nerve to think I'm wanting
someone who doesn't care
You've got some nerve to be calling
as if I wish to hear from you
some nerve to think I'm waiting
even if I do.
ENi07
Bloody good job you left in time
before you saw the good in me
You might have actually fallen in love
oh what a horror that would be?
For I surely would've held you back
I guess that's what lovers do?
Good job you never started thinking
that I could've been good to you
Life with me would've never been easy
and who wants a lover anyway?
Good job you made a run for it
when you felt you wanted to stay
Love doesn't really matter in your life
You think freedom and crap will do it too
Bloody good job you left in time
before you let me get to you
ENi07
I need to let go
but I am still here
clinging desperately
holding on so tight
that my hands are bleeding
and my throat is sore
from calling your name
I need to let go
but I am still here
still thinking
you've got to be somewhere
you must still be
around?
I need to let go
but I am still here
treading the same ground
as
when you were walking
with me
I need to let go
but I am still here
waiting
Because you were It
and you hold the last piece of me
If I let you go
I will be forever lost too
ENi07
I’m certainly not a good girl
for there is no way in hell
that I would ever, ever
wish you well
Maybe that is petty
and I guess you'll disagree
but you haven't earned
any wishing-well's from me
Yeah I'm a bad girl
and proud of it, too
and I am killer beautiful
and so much better than you
So I rest here comfortably
in this cold and lonely night
knowing you'll get yours one day
and it will simply serve you right
So don't come crying on my doorstep
when you want another chance with me
you'll argue you deserve it
but this bad girl won't agree
Eni07
Alla sinnen fylls av glädje
och hjärtat fylls med skratt
Du är mitt liv och allt
och jag vill att du ska veta att:
Jag vill värma din hud med min
jag vill värma dina händer i mina
jag vill kyssa dina läppars form
bara för att de är dina
Dina ögon är som brunnar
och jag drunknar gärna i dem
Du är mitt livs musik
och jag älskar varje led och lem
Du gör mig till ett bättre väsen
du gör mig ödmjuk och komplett
Du gör mig tacksam för livets skatter
och du är den vackraste jag sett
Alla sinnen fylls av glädje
och hjärtat fylls av ljuv musik
Du är mitt liv och allt
för mig är du unik.
ENi08
I would keep
all your scribbled notes
the words
of happiness and love
and comfort
I would keep them
in a box
- a loving box
with magic within
I would keep it safely
near my heart
always
I would fill it
with your thoughts
your smell
your warmth
and understanding
I would keep a box
with the essence of you
all that is you
all that is your spirit
I would keep it
to open it sometimes
and be overwhelmed
with all your love and passion
if only I could
ENi-08
Standing on this cliff tonight
black sky and stars above
Thousands of lights beneath
no light inside
I should've known back then
ours would be
like this lonely night
violently beautiful
and broken
I should've known back then
our stolen moments
would be
like standing on this cliff tonight
wanting to fall
wanting to remain
Inside I scream at the world below
but my voice is too thin
to break the silence
I should've known back then
ours would be
like this lonely night
ENi-08
The cold had its grip on my heart
and it gripped my soul too
But you brought warmth to me
My winter's night ended with you
ENi08
Comforting darkness
outside and within
eyes hurting
from staring blankly
too long
vision bluring
from all that's not there
to see
Falling willingly
into all this darkness
arms reaching blindly
for all that's not there
to hold on to
Weary voices
talking silently
turining words outside in
trying to make sense
of all that's not there
to talk about
ENi-08
Du valde dina sorger
du valde att gå
du valde ensamheten
med ingen att lita på
Du valde oändlighet
och tystnadens musik
inte längre en i mängden
så ensam, så unik
Du sökte en utväg
i svart eller vitt
men nu är valet
inte längre ditt
Oändlighet är här
allt du ville ha
men livet som slutade
var inte ditt att ta.
ENi08
Whatever happens in this lifetime
in whichever way life decides to turn
know that I will be here
when you leave and when you return
ENi08
I am here now
straight up
stripped down
in the flesh
all me
I am here now
trembling
defenceless
wide open
I am here now
naked laughter
uncovered soul
just me
before you
I am here now
so digg in
help yourself
I have been
served
I am here now
all me
all for you
I am willing to bleed
if you want me to bleed
willing to hurt
if you want me to hurt
I am here now
please
have mercy on me
ENi06
Birds held their breath
the air stood still
flowers froze in motion
You took your love back
Leaves fell silently
but in their touching of the ground
they echoed in my head
like dooming bells
You took your love back
All seemed to be on stand-by
except all that raged within
except your words that shot fiercly at me
and all I could think
He's taking his love back
You took your love back
and the world and me
held breath and froze
The world and me
will never be the same
ENi06
It's not over yet
you're still in me
you're still present in
the air I breathe and in
all those cigarettes and tears
and I'm still in despair
Getting over you
is still a task
a mission
an obstacle sometimes too big
to overcome
Will it ever be over
you're all around me
all in me
and with million friends around
I'm still lonely
It's not over yet
I'm still fighting
and I desperately need somewhere to run
with my grieving over you
God when will it ever
be over
ENi05
Tag mina rädslor
segla dem så långt haven bär
segla dem tryggt därute
och lova att ankra dem där
Tag mina farhågor och lidanden
låt dem flyta långt från land
Jag vill inte känna dem längre
bara se på dem ibland
Låt mig minnas hur det kändes
men låt mig inte förtvivla mer
så ta vind i dina segel
och segla dit bara måsar ser
Låt mig lasta dig tung
med alla ord och allt som sårar
krossade drömmar, brustna hjärtan
och ändlösa mängder av tårar
Tag mina rädslor
bär dem dit bara havet kan nå
Tag min förtvivlan och ensamhet
Segla dem så långt du kan gå
ENi06
Winding streets
criss-crossing their way
making patterns
making dead ends
Gladly I'd lose my way
lose myself here
I stumble forward
numb and tired
wandering
wondering
and the days pass
I work hard
late nights, early mornings
friends drift away
so I travel alone
always strong
always resourceful
telling myself I'm ok
things don't have to change
as if I believe in that shit
and the days pass
I stay the course
I hold the line
I push myself further
sometimes too far
and the days pass
Cold air is coming in
leaves fall to the ground
flowers die one by one
and I'm waiting
for this passing to end...
ENi06
Strive to be better
prettier
to impress
to be different
but God forbid
nothing less than
normal
You need to go higher
further
deeper
off the beaten track
but God forbid
not where people haven't gone
before
You've got to be special
successful
content
yet hungry and driven
but God forbid
that you ever let it
show
Strive to fit in
to know your place
to be all
and stand out
but God forbid
that you'll ever be
yourself
ENi06
I am lost
and tired
I am calling aimlessly
but my voice is too thin to reach
God will you please hear me
Wearily I try to find my way
in all this emptiness
but there are no
guidelines, no
boundaries, no
paths to follow
God will you please lead the way
I need to rest
I need to slow down
I can't pull these stones behind me
any longer
God will you please carry me
I am lost
and tired
I am scared
of this loneliness, of this
vastness
I feel so small
God will you please hold me
please hold me
I need to lean on you tonight
ENi06
What do you do
when with every breath you take
you long elsewhere
to something new
something unfamiliar
What do you do then
when every heart beat
longs to be outside
longs to beat faster
with a bit of fear
and a lot of excitement
What do you do then
when every blink of an eye
is time wasted
time to be spent
with no gravity
no boundaries
When every dream
seems too far away to reach
and plans are nothing but
plans...
How do you handle
all those mountains
you yet have to climb
all those oceans
you yet have to explore
when your heart aches
for the sun to sting your eyes
for fresh air
to burn in your lungs
When you're starving
for something to live for
-something you could die for
And there's so many things
left unseen, untouched
and undone
What do you do
when this restlessness
scars and tears in everything you do
but you're torn
between the excitement
of something new and unheard of
and all that's familiar
and well known
When one foot wants to leave
and the other
is aching to stay
Then
what do you do?
ENi04
Your memory fade as you go
further away from me
leaving traces in the snow
leaving hurt and misory
Still air from wall to wall
silence from ceiling to the floor
and now I barely can recall
what filled this room before
I'm making friends with darkness
and that empty vodka on the shelf
I am calling for a saviour
Because I can not save myself
ENi04
Vem vet vad en människa gömmer
där inga andra slipper in
vem vet hur hon formar själen
till att bli olik din och min
Vem vet vad en människa drömmer
alla tankar som ingen får se
dom där skratten och tårarna
vad anar väl vi om det?
Vem känner en människas öde
vem vet en människas kall
vem kan säga nåt om framtiden
allt som komma skall?
Vem vet vad en människa gömmer
vem känner hennes djupaste hemlighet
Dessa fantastiska skatter vi håller
som bara vårt allra innersta vet.
ENi05
I busy myself
and I thank God for work
and chores and duties
Where would I be
if I couldn't bury myself in this
bury you
under piles of things to do
behind priority lists
and in between dusty old files
and printed urgent emails
Where would I be
in what state of mind
if I couldn't run
run between meetings,
faxes and printers
If I couldn't constantly
be on the phone
chasing invoices
and cursing late truckers
How would I cope
if I hadn't all these papers
and files and deadlines
to hold on to
I thank God
while I busy myself
and I will keep busying myself
I will busy myself to death
if it keeps me
from drowning in my tears
over you
ENi05
hundreds of shoes in a row
more watches than I can wear
piles of glossy magazines
jewelleries in boxes
and luxurious creams on display
expensive dinners
business meetings
parties
and endless travelling
flowers dying in my window
and new ones being bought
power workouts
coffes to go
and neverending lines of cigarettes
late nights
calls on hold
memo's to write
buses to catch
so many things to be bought
so many friends to be seen
so many wishes to be fulfilled
so many goals to be achieved
In a life so full of possibilities
who would've thought
it would feel so pointless
In a life so full of destinations
who would've thought
there's no place left to go
In a life so full of friendly faces
who would've known
I'd feel so alone
ENi06
Through busy streets
past streetlights
while the buzz of city
passes by my window
the setting changes
from inner city to suburbs
to countryside
the bus keeps moving
relentlessly
while my heart is breaking
and I'm torn between
the safety of home
and the excitement
of all that's new
'It's easy for you'
they say
'You'll have the unfamiliar
the meeting of new friends
and the getting to know
new places'
But I say
you get to stay
while I wander
with nowhere to go
no one to visit
You'll be meeting for a movie
for a coffe
or a late night snack
While I get lost
in strange streets and dark alleys
You'll just turn a corner
meet a friendly face
-and you're home
'You're the lucky one'
they say
'you'll have the excitement
of not knowing
where to go next'
But I wonder
maybe it's better to know
maybe it's better to be safe
The setting changes
while the bus keeps moving
relentlessly
And I am heartbroken
and unwilling
ENi04
I scream 'til I run out of air
I run 'til I can't run any more
I cry 'til I'm all out of tears
I try, like I've never tried before
But still I feel the hollowness
the gap within I can not fill
I'm frozen by the bitter cold
and the pain is present ever still
Fear is not what holds me
but anger digs into my core
causes the tragic hardness
I try so hard to ignore
This tired soul is drifting
can't seem to find my way through
without some strings to bind me
without an anchor to hold on to
My armour is getting stronger
shells are layered every day
like stones pressed in pavement
in every shade of grey
Pieces try to mend together
with leaps of faith and dare
but fails and cruelly crumbles
more times than I can bear
I wander around aimlessly
not afraid but so reserved
over and over asking myself
maybe this is what I deserve?
Dust gathers itself in corners
flowers die in the windowsill
as I'm waiting for a remedy
but the pain is present ever still...
ENi04
Du har tagit så mycket från mig
lämnat mig vaken om natten
du har berövat min framtid
tagit udden ur leenden, dämpat skratten
Du håller din hand på min axel
drar mig bakåt och ner
du gömmer dig för andra
kommer fram när ingen ser
Du sänder mig alltjämt svävande
mellan hopp och tvivel och törst
du rycker mattan under mina fötter
när min förtvivlan är som störst
Du gör mig svag och liten och sårbar
du gör mig ensam och rädd
du är alltid närvarande, men
du gör allt för att inte bli sedd
Men jag har bestämt mig för att slåss
kämpa för att få det bra
Framtiden som ligger för mig
är inte längre din att ta
ENi-09
Håll ditt huvud högt min vän
upp med hakan, stå rak i rygg
Vila med din kind mot min
här hos mig är du trygg
Håll modet uppe min vän
framtiden du ser är vår
Låt oss ta makten tillbaka
trots att smärtan är så svår
Ja jag vet att du är trött
och att din själ är så sliten
Ja, jag känner din förtvivlan
jag ser att du är så hjälplöst liten
Tänk inte på vad du förlorat
Försök hylla allt du faktiskt har
Smärtan kan ta så mycket från dig
så låt kärlek och ljus finns kvar
Kampen du går igenom är din
men du är inte ensam om den
Du är inte dina smärtor
så ge inte upp, min vän
- ENi09
Hollowness and longing
sadness has gripped me tight
I'd fall asleep in despair
but not tonight
I guess I've surrendered
guess I've given up the fight
I'm withering away
but not tonight
My hands lifted to the sky
God fill me with your light
I'll bear all my burdens
- just not tonight
God let me believe
that I can get it right
let me hold on to life
like I do tonight
ENi09
Jag bestämde mig för att flytta mina publicerade dikter till Frökens Kåserier istället för att fortsätta blogga på www.emmanilsson.nu eftersom den bloggtjänsten tjaffsar så mycket när jag ska lägga ut grejer. Och inte kan jag använda Live Writer på den heller. Så jag gör en fresh start här på Frökens Kåserier :o)
Tack för att du tittar förbi!
