XXX

The cold had its grip on my heart
and it gripped my soul too
But you brought warmth to me
My winter's night ended with you

ENi08

All that’s not there…

Comforting darkness
outside and within
eyes hurting
from staring blankly
too long
vision bluring
from all that's not there
to see

Falling willingly
into all this darkness
arms reaching blindly
for all that's not there
to hold on to

Weary voices
talking silently
turining words outside in
trying to make sense
of all that's not there
to talk about

ENi-08

Du valde dina sorger

Du valde dina sorger
du valde att gå
du valde ensamheten
med ingen att lita på

Du valde oändlighet
och tystnadens musik
inte längre en i mängden
så ensam, så unik

Du sökte en utväg
i svart eller vitt
men nu är valet
inte längre ditt

Oändlighet är här
allt du ville ha
men livet som slutade
var inte ditt att ta.

ENi08

Leave and return

Whatever happens in this lifetime
in whichever way life decides to turn
know that I will be here
when you leave and when you return

ENi08

served

I am here now
straight up
stripped down
in the flesh
all me

I am here now
trembling
defenceless
wide open

I am here now
naked laughter
uncovered soul
just me
before you

I am here now
so digg in
help yourself
I have been
served

I am here now
all me
all for you

I am willing to bleed
if you want me to bleed
willing to hurt
if you want me to hurt

I am here now
please
have mercy on me

ENi06

You took your love back

Birds held their breath
the air stood still
flowers froze in motion
You took your love back

Leaves fell silently
but in their touching of the ground
they echoed in my head
like dooming bells
You took your love back

All seemed to be on stand-by
except all that raged within
except your words that shot fiercly at me
and all I could think
He's taking his love back

You took your love back
and the world and me
held breath and froze

The world and me
will never be the same

ENi06

Not over

It's not over yet
you're still in me
you're still present in
the air I breathe and in
all those cigarettes and tears
and I'm still in despair

Getting over you
is still a task
a mission
an obstacle sometimes too big
to overcome

Will it ever be over
you're all around me
all in me
and with million friends around
I'm still lonely

It's not over yet
I'm still fighting
and I desperately need somewhere to run
with my grieving over you

God when will it ever
be over

ENi05

as above - so below

Du, skepp av hopp

Tag mina rädslor
segla dem så långt haven bär
segla dem tryggt därute
och lova att ankra dem där

Tag mina farhågor och lidanden
låt dem flyta långt från land
Jag vill inte känna dem längre
bara se på dem ibland

Låt mig minnas hur det kändes
men låt mig inte förtvivla mer
så ta vind i dina segel
och segla dit bara måsar ser

Låt mig lasta dig tung
med alla ord och allt som sårar
krossade drömmar, brustna hjärtan
och ändlösa mängder av tårar

Tag mina rädslor
bär dem dit bara havet kan nå
Tag min förtvivlan och ensamhet
Segla dem så långt du kan gå

ENi06

and the days pass

Winding streets
criss-crossing their way
making patterns
making dead ends
Gladly I'd lose my way
lose myself here

I stumble forward
numb and tired
wandering
wondering
and the days pass

I work hard
late nights, early mornings
friends drift away
so I travel alone
always strong
always resourceful
telling myself I'm ok
things don't have to change

as if I believe in that shit

and the days pass

I stay the course
I hold the line
I push myself further
sometimes too far
and the days pass

Cold air is coming in
leaves fall to the ground
flowers die one by one
and I'm waiting
for this passing to end...

ENi06

God forbid

Strive to be better
prettier
to impress
to be different
but God forbid
nothing less than
normal

You need to go higher
further
deeper
off the beaten track
but God forbid
not where people haven't gone
before

You've got to be special
successful
content
yet hungry and driven
but God forbid
that you ever let it
show

Strive to fit in
to know your place
to be all
and stand out
but God forbid
that you'll ever be
yourself

ENi06

Hear me

I am lost
and tired
I am calling aimlessly
but my voice is too thin to reach
God will you please hear me

Wearily I try to find my way
in all this emptiness
but there are no
guidelines, no
boundaries, no
paths to follow
God will you please lead the way

I need to rest
I need to slow down
I can't pull these stones behind me
any longer
God will you please carry me

I am lost
and tired
I am scared
of this loneliness, of this
vastness
I feel so small
God will you please hold me
please hold me

I need to lean on you tonight

ENi06

What do you do

What do you do
when with every breath you take
you long elsewhere
to something new
something unfamiliar
What do you do then
when every heart beat
longs to be outside
longs to beat faster
with a bit of fear
and a lot of excitement
What do you do then
when every blink of an eye
is time wasted
time to be spent
with no gravity
no boundaries

When every dream
seems too far away to reach
and plans are nothing but
plans...

How do you handle
all those mountains
you yet have to climb
all those oceans
you yet have to explore
when your heart aches
for the sun to sting your eyes
for fresh air
to burn in your lungs
When you're starving
for something to live for
-something you could die for

And there's so many things
left unseen, untouched
and undone

What do you do
when this restlessness
scars and tears in everything you do
but you're torn
between the excitement
of something new and unheard of
and all that's familiar
and well known

When one foot wants to leave
and the other
is aching to stay

Then
what do you do?

ENi04

fade

Your memory fade as you go
further away from me
leaving traces in the snow
leaving hurt and misory

Still air from wall to wall
silence from ceiling to the floor
and now I barely can recall
what filled this room before

I'm making friends with darkness
and that empty vodka on the shelf
I am calling for a saviour
Because I can not save myself

ENi04

Vem vet vad en människa gömmer

Vem vet vad en människa gömmer
där inga andra slipper in
vem vet hur hon formar själen
till att bli olik din och min

Vem vet vad en människa drömmer
alla tankar som ingen får se
dom där skratten och tårarna
vad anar väl vi om det?

Vem känner en människas öde
vem vet en människas kall
vem kan säga nåt om framtiden
allt som komma skall?

Vem vet vad en människa gömmer
vem känner hennes djupaste hemlighet
Dessa fantastiska skatter vi håller
som bara vårt allra innersta vet.

ENi05

I busy myself

I busy myself
and I thank God for work
and chores and duties
Where would I be
if I couldn't bury myself in this
bury you
under piles of things to do
behind priority lists
and in between dusty old files
and printed urgent emails

Where would I be
in what state of mind
if I couldn't run
run between meetings,
faxes and printers
If I couldn't constantly
be on the phone
chasing invoices
and cursing late truckers
How would I cope
if I hadn't all these papers
and files and deadlines
to hold on to

I thank God
while I busy myself
and I will keep busying myself
I will busy myself to death
if it keeps me
from drowning in my tears
over you

ENi05

Who knew

hundreds of shoes in a row
more watches than I can wear
piles of glossy magazines
jewelleries in boxes
and luxurious creams on display

expensive dinners
business meetings
parties
and endless travelling

flowers dying in my window
and new ones being bought
power workouts
coffes to go
and neverending lines of cigarettes

late nights
calls on hold
memo's to write
buses to catch

so many things to be bought
so many friends to be seen
so many wishes to be fulfilled
so many goals to be achieved

In a life so full of possibilities
who would've thought
it would feel so pointless

In a life so full of destinations
who would've thought
there's no place left to go

In a life so full of friendly faces
who would've known
I'd feel so alone

ENi06

Unwilling

Through busy streets
past streetlights
while the buzz of city
passes by my window
the setting changes
from inner city to suburbs
to countryside
the bus keeps moving
relentlessly
while my heart is breaking
and I'm torn between
the safety of home
and the excitement
of all that's new

'It's easy for you'
they say
'You'll have the unfamiliar
the meeting of new friends
and the getting to know
new places'

But I say
you get to stay
while I wander
with nowhere to go
no one to visit
You'll be meeting for a movie
for a coffe
or a late night snack

While I get lost
in strange streets and dark alleys
You'll just turn a corner
meet a friendly face
-and you're home

'You're the lucky one'
they say
'you'll have the excitement
of not knowing
where to go next'
But I wonder
maybe it's better to know
maybe it's better to be safe

The setting changes
while the bus keeps moving
relentlessly
And I am heartbroken
and unwilling

ENi04

Still

I scream 'til I run out of air
I run 'til I can't run any more
I cry 'til I'm all out of tears
I try, like I've never tried before

But still I feel the hollowness
the gap within I can not fill
I'm frozen by the bitter cold
and the pain is present ever still

Fear is not what holds me
but anger digs into my core
causes the tragic hardness
I try so hard to ignore

This tired soul is drifting
can't seem to find my way through
without some strings to bind me
without an anchor to hold on to

My armour is getting stronger
shells are layered every day
like stones pressed in pavement
in every shade of grey

Pieces try to mend together
with leaps of faith and dare
but fails and cruelly crumbles
more times than I can bear

I wander around aimlessly
not afraid but so reserved
over and over asking myself
maybe this is what I deserve?

Dust gathers itself in corners
flowers die in the windowsill
as I'm waiting for a remedy
but the pain is present ever still...

ENi04

Du, smärta

Du har tagit så mycket från mig
lämnat mig vaken om natten
du har berövat min framtid
tagit udden ur leenden, dämpat skratten

Du håller din hand på min axel
drar mig bakåt och ner
du gömmer dig för andra
kommer fram när ingen ser

Du sänder mig alltjämt svävande
mellan hopp och tvivel och törst
du rycker mattan under mina fötter
när min förtvivlan är som störst

Du gör mig svag och liten och sårbar
du gör mig ensam och rädd
du är alltid närvarande, men
du gör allt för att inte bli sedd

Men jag har bestämt mig för att slåss
kämpa för att få det bra
Framtiden som ligger för mig
är inte längre din att ta

ENi-09

Håll ditt huvud högt

Håll ditt huvud högt min vän
upp med hakan, stå rak i rygg
Vila med din kind mot min
här hos mig är du trygg

Håll modet uppe min vän
framtiden du ser är vår
Låt oss ta makten tillbaka
trots att smärtan är så svår

Ja jag vet att du är trött
och att din själ är så sliten
Ja, jag känner din förtvivlan
jag ser att du är så hjälplöst liten

Tänk inte på vad du förlorat
Försök hylla allt du faktiskt har
Smärtan kan ta så mycket från dig
så låt kärlek och ljus finns kvar

Kampen du går igenom är din
men du är inte ensam om den
Du är inte dina smärtor
så ge inte upp, min vän
- ENi09

But not tonight

Hollowness and longing
sadness has gripped me tight
I'd fall asleep in despair
but not tonight

I guess I've surrendered
guess I've given up the fight
I'm withering away
but not tonight

My hands lifted to the sky
God fill me with your light
I'll bear all my burdens
- just not tonight

God let me believe
that I can get it right
let me hold on to life
like I do tonight

ENi09

Frökens Kåserier

Jag bestämde mig för att flytta mina publicerade dikter till Frökens Kåserier istället för att fortsätta blogga på www.emmanilsson.nu eftersom den bloggtjänsten tjaffsar så mycket när jag ska lägga ut grejer. Och inte kan jag använda Live Writer på den heller. Så jag gör en fresh start här på Frökens Kåserier :o)

Tack för att du tittar förbi!